


Twenty-Second Birthday

by BlackKittens



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 05:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19996783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackKittens/pseuds/BlackKittens
Summary: Tadashi wasn't here to turn twenty-two years old today.





	Twenty-Second Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> This fic doesn't have much of a plot. It's pretty much about grief and that's about it. I'm not even sure the ending is a real ending or not. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy.

This would be the first January 7th where in twenty-two years where Cass would not celebrate a birthday; she made the cake anyway.

Tadashi had had a sweet tooth - not a hard sweet tooth that liked to devour everything in sight, like she had had as a child, but he loved chocolate, especially _her_ homemade chocolate, and he still possessed that fondness for sprinkles he'd had as a kid by adulthood. She hadn't made him a birthday cake with sprinkles since he turned fourteen, but he did love taking the sprinkled donuts out of the café. So she made the cake from scratch, including the chocolate, instead of buying a store bought mix, and topped it with home made chocolate frosting and a small tube of sprinkles she'd bought. He would have loved it, she thought miserably, when it was all done by noon. Much better than the vanilla cake with chocolate frosting she had made last year for his twenty-first birthday, whose ingredients she had entirely bought from the store.

With a barely suppressed sigh, Cass put a glass container over the cake and placed it far back on the kitchen counter, glancing at the empty stair case that lead to the boys' room. Hiro wasn't awake yet. His winter break should have been relaxing after his first semester of college, which he loved and found challenging and loved that he found challenging. But instead, it was almost like he had relapsed into the depressive state he had gone through in August and September. Cass couldn't blame him, though; she felt the same way. College winter breaks lasted from mid-December to mid-January, and in that time was Christmas, New Year's, and Tadashi's birthday, each a week apart from the next - and for the first time, Tadashi wasn't here to celebrate any of it. Despite trying to make the best of it, laughing and cheering and remembering, by today, they were both emotionally exhausted.

The first year was always rough. Cass remembered the first Christmas, New Year's, and Tadashi's birthday without her sister and brother-in-law. Whatever brightness had returned to little Tadashi's heart since their deaths promptly vanished, replaced either by open tears or a watery smile, depending on how much he felt like putting on a brave face, and Hiro's mood had frequently shifted between oblivious cheerfulness and utter meltdowns. Her mom and dad flew up from Florida and Ryoichi and Mariko Hamada practically lived with them for those three weeks, just to help out and feel like a family again. Cass didn't know what she would have done without her parents and the Hamadas’ support. This year, though, the Hamadas were six years dead and her parents had only been able to stay for Christmas. Otherwise, she and Hiro were on their own.

Well, not quite on their own. Tadashi's creation, Baymax, and his friends brought some life into the house. They had all lost Tadashi, too. Even Baymax showed a little...Cass wasn't sure what to call it - not grief, but something resembling somberness when the three special days were explained to him. Nevertheless, the first year was always the hardest, and they were all mourning. Christmas and New Year's hadn't been the spectacles they had been last year, and today wouldn't be the joyous day it had been for twenty-one years.

God, her baby would have been twenty-two today, Cass thought with a breaking heart. She leaned back against the island counter and took a heavy breath. She wasn't a mother, she wasn't her sister, but if what they said about the pain of losing a child was true, then Cass believed she had a pretty similar feeling right now.

Was it awful of her to think this pain was somehow _worse_ than the pain of losing her sister and brother-in-law? Danielle had been her big sister and Ken one of her best friends, and she'd nearly broken down when they'd died. There had been several points, in her grief, where she didn't believe she'd be able to raise their boys and almost asked the Hamadas if they'd please reconsider their son and daughter-in-law's wishes, as well as their own ages, and take them. She never did, but that's how badly it had hurt. Tadashi, however - Cass felt like someone had ripped open her chest and torn all her ribs and organs out. It was like someone had torn her own baby, the one she never had, out of her arms and taken him away forever. Her latent maternal instincts were screaming as if someone had.

And you now what? _Someone had._

She would never forgive Callaghan for what he'd done to her family.

She hoped he went to Hell someday very, very soon.

Ugh. Reaching for her temples, Cass shook her head. No, no, no. That was the bitterness talking. The bitterness was absolutely right, but this wasn't how she wanted to spend her nephew's birthday. With a small huff, she stood up straight and began to gather all of her baking supplies, putting the ingredients away and the cookware in the sink to be washed. She turned on the faucet and set to work, allowing her memory to take hold of her mind instead. Better to think of happy things than murderers.

She still remembered when Tadashi was born. It was hard to believe that was twenty-two years ago today. He had been so sleepy by the time Cass got to the hospital to visit, lying in his striped blue and white onesie and matching hat, black tufts of hair poking out, brown eyes blinking open and drooping back down, and yawning the cutest little, tongue-stretching yawns. He'd looked like a puffy alien to her, with his bumpy, wrinkly, red skin, but the most adorable puffy alien she'd ever seen. Danielle and Ken were so proud, and clearly enamored with their new son.

They would have been so proud to see the young man he became. Cass was sure they _were_ proud, had been watching over him (and her, and Hiro, and their parents) this whole time, and had probably been telling him so since the night he joined them.

Her eyes prickled. That was her only solace in this. Tadashi wasn't alone on the other side; he had his parents, whom he had missed so much, and he had his paternal grandparents. They would look after him and finally be able to love him in person again. It didn't make her heart stop hurting, it didn't give Hiro any comfort, and it didn't compensate for the fact he should have long outlived _her,_ but it was a solace. Living or dead, Tadashi would always be with his loving family. And now he was watching over them as well.

She'd give anything to hug him one last time, Cass thought suddenly. To have one more birthday, one more Christmas, one more New Year's, one more everything. To hold onto him tight and never let go so he couldn't actually leave when it was all over. She wanted her baby back.

 _'My sweet little boy didn't deserve to die at twenty-one,'_ she told herself, scrubbing the mixing bowl down. _'He should have lived a full life. Ken and Danielle died in an accident, Ryoichi and Mariko were old, why did a monster have to take my baby away? Why did he have to start the fire, and why did Tadashi have to run in there? I know I drilled fire safety in his head, I remember how horrified he looked when I told him and Hiro that if the house ever caught on fire, they were to get out as quick as possible and not run back in, even if Mochi was still inside. Our cat is worth ten times more than that two-faced professor; if Tadashi could understand not to go back inside for Mochi, why would he for his teacher? He should have waited for the firefighters!'_

No - Nonono! Cass shook her head again. That sounded like she was blaming him for his own death. She wasn't. She knew it was because her baby had had a good heart, and he was probably lying when he glumly nodded that, yes, if the house ever caught on fire and Mochi was still inside, he would stay outside. He had been too good for his own good. Besides, none of it would have happened if Callaghan hadn't set the fire in the first place, so he could steal her other baby's microbots, the damn, rotten, monstrous -

She stopped herself. This was no good. She didn't want to be angry on Tadashi's birthday. He wouldn't want her to be angry. She could scream about it to her pillow tomorrow morning.

What was she going to do today, though? The café was closed, she always closed it for the boys' birthdays. Hiro was still in bed, emotionally exhausted and missing his big brother. So far, none of Tadashi's friends had shown up, most likely to give the family their space and privacy (she'd have to tell Hiro to text and invite them over later; they could help the two of them devour the cake). Other than baking a birthday cake, which had been a spur of the moment decision after she'd woken up, Cass had no plans for the day.

Well, she could eat the cake. With Hiro, of course, and likely his friends later. She’d already decided that. Otherwise, they could...she didn’t know, go over the old scrapbooks? Watch an old, recorded San Fransokyo Ninjas game? Go out to the movies or something? Cass didn’t know. This wasn’t like Christmas or New Year’s, where there were non-personal traditions to practice and focus on instead.

She groaned, pressing the ends of her soapy palms to her face. No good, no good, this was no good!

After Danielle and Ken had died, their birthdays had been difficult. Tadashi especially hadn’t enjoyed them, missing his Mom and Dad. The difference, however, was that Danielle’s was during the school year and Ken’s in the summer; they’d been in school for most of their mother’s birthday and she’d been able to distract him and Hiro by taking them to the beach on Ken’s (Ken would have liked them to have fun rather than cry anyway). And as the years went on, it got easier, and besides maybe taking out the scrapbook or jut having a talk with Tadashi (Hiro rarely liked to discuss their parents), the days more or less became normal parts of the years.

Cass’ heart suddenly sunk. They had, hadn’t they? She didn’t even celebrate her own big sister’s birthday anymore. There was a special pain in that. And Ken, who had loved every opportunity to make people smile, including with his own birthday -

But even worse was the thought of one day Tadashi’s birthday fading into the rest of the year. That in the future she and Hiro might treat today as any other day, as if Tadashi had never been here at all. As if twenty-two years ago today, she hadn’t met one of the most wonderful puffy aliens to ever exist (the other being Hiro). As if this wasn’t the anniversary of her first baby’s birth, the celebration of the fact he’d existed at all. Shouldn’t they be celebrating?

It was hard to celebrate in mourning, however, she knew.

Tadashi couldn’t even eat his own damn cake. A cake that would have absolutely been his favorite in years. He wasn’t here to enjoy it, and never would be again.

 _‘I’m going to start crying,’_ she informed herself, pulling her hands away as her vision blurred to the point everything was a shapeless blur. She felt the tears run down hot. _‘I miss him so much.’_

She didn’t understand why the universe kept taking people away from her. She didn’t understand why it had to be one of her nephews this time. Couldn’t it have simply taken her instead? She’d have gladly given her life if it meant her boys could live. _Both_ her boys, not one or the other. They were both so young.

Cass couldn’t take it anymore. She yanked more paper towels than she needed from the wrack, sloppily dried off her hands, marched around the island counter into the living room, and picked up a couch pillow to scream in.

She just screamed.

She screamed, and screamed, and screamed, until her throat hurt and the scream died down into a raw groan.

If Hiro woke up and heard her at all, he didn’t come down to check on her. Good; she didn’t want him to see her like this anyhow. She had to be strong for him in front of him. Talking about their feelings was one thing; breaking down before his eyes was another.

She dropped the pillow on the floor, not caring, and flopped down on the cushion, elbows on her knees and hands over her eyes. She couldn’t scream anymore, but she could cry. Cry like she had the night they declared him dead. Cry like she had when they had found his charred, ashen remains. Cry like it hadn’t happened months ago now.

Her baby was dead. Oh god, _her baby was dead._

So lost in her tears, Cass didn’t notice the giant figure waddling over to her until Mochi suddenly jumped into her lap out of nowhere, surprising her out of her hands. Mochi settled soothingly into her lap, rubbing his head against her stomach, and Baymax peered down at her curiously, cocking his head.

“I was alerted to your need for medical attention,” he said. “I see you are crying. I will scan you now.”

Cass’ throat hurt too much for her to speak. So she shook her head once more, this time in defeat, as her baby’s creation scanned her for physical injury.

“Scan complete,” he told her. “Your throat is bruised, likely from: overuse. Suggested solutions include: gargling salt water, drinking cool water, and/or the consumption of honey. Cough syrup may also help. It is recommended you relax your vocal chords to keep from straining them further.”

Cass whined under her breath.

She knew Baymax cared. He cared because Tadashi had cared so Tadashi had programmed to care. He couldn’t fix this, though. He couldn’t heal his creator and bring him back to life. She didn’t give the slightest damn about her throat at the moment.

She missed Tadashi.

“Your neural transmitters also indicate,” he continued, “that you are: stressed, sad, angry, and having mood swings. These are consistent with your general mood over the past sixteen days, which leads me to the conclusion you have screamed your throat raw out of grief.”

He extended his arms, and waddled closer to wrap her close to in his inflated belly.

Cass started. This, she hadn’t expected. Baymax usually only paid attention to Hiro. Not her. Not unless she nicked herself with a knife or bumped her head inside a cabinet, or nearly slipped on her freshly mopped floors. She hadn't needed him like Hiro did.

“There, there,” Baymax patted her back. “It is all right to miss a loved one. Tadashi was a good person.”

He was, Cass agreed. Her baby was.

“It is all right to cry,” he went on. “Today is Tadashi’s birthday. It is natural to be sad on such a day. He would understand.”

Cass jolted; it was like electricity zapped through her body.

He would understand? No, he would want her to be happy, to move on, to know he’d loved her and appreciated her, and please don’t cry, Aunt Cass, I hate it when you cry, please, what can I do to make you feel better - ?

The tears burst in a second flood. Cass pressed her face into Baymax’s belly and planted her fingers deep in Mochi’s fur. She sobbed and sobbed, ignoring the way her throat burned with every spasm.

Her baby was dead and she wanted him back so much. It hurt so much. It _hurt so much._

* * *

It was past noon when Hiro awoke in his bed. He didn’t know what time it was exactly, but it was definitely afternoon, judging by the way the sun lit up his half of the bedroom. He was still tired and groggy, though, so when he realized Aunt Cass was lying on top of the covers next to him, running her hand gently through his hair, and Baymax looming behind her on the floor, he didn’t think twice to question it. In fact, her hand felt nice, and well, having Baymax around was always a comfort.

“Hey, kiddo,” she murmured next to him. “How ya feeling?”

“Okay, I guess,” he muttered back.

He did remember what day it was. Didn’t exactly inspire him to get out of bed much.

“That’s good,” Aunt Cass said. “I made a birthday cake earlier. When you feel like getting up, you should invite the gang over; we can all eat it.”

“Okay, sounds good,” he replied, no heart in it. “Not until later, right?”

“No, not until later.”

“Good.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but he was too tired to care.

Aunt Cass withdrew her hand and snuggled closer to wrap her arms around him. “It’s all right with me if you want to stay in bed for a long while. I don’t really feel like doing much either.”

“Yeah?” Hiro questioned, and promptly yawned.

Aunt Cass had been trying to keep his spirits up for two weeks straight. He guessed even she was getting exhausted. They both missed Tadashi, he knew, but it’d been months since he died. He’d figured Aunt Cass was past this stage, the one Hiro apparently hadn’t fully left yet.

“Yeah,” she confirmed. “Let’s take a lazy day. We’ll invite the gang over and eat the cake after dinner.”

“Okay,” Hiro agreed, closing his eyes against her chest. “I don’t know how to celebrate Tadashi’s birthday without him anyway.”

He was tired enough to admit it. He hadn’t been for Christmas or New Year’s; he’d been strung too tight to even let himself think it.

But how does one celebrate when a part of one’s heart is missing? Especially on a day where the guest of honor is missing? How was he supposed to celebrate anything without Tadashi? And he’d thought Halloween and Thanksgiving had been difficult.

“Neither do I, sweetheart,” Aunt Cass said. “Let’s just lay around today and remember him, all right? I think that’ll do it for this year. He knows we love him.”

He knows. Present tense. Aunt Cass did believe their dead family was always watching over them. Hiro didn’t know if he believed it or not. He didn’t know what he believed, other than the cold, hard fact his big brother was gone. But he did get that his aunt found comfort in the idea. Tadashi had known they’d loved him. There was no doubt about that. If the afterlife was real, then he certainly still knew.

Baymax leaned forward and smoothed warm hands over their backs. “It is all right,” he assured them. “There is nothing wrong with mourning. According to my database, you are not required to be strong all the time; it does not make you weak. There, there.”

Something about that was freeing, Hiro thought, as he realized Mochi was on the bed, too, wiggling around on the covers between his knees, trying to get comfortable. Part of him had felt bad for being so wound up in his grief lately; it had been months, after all, and he’d been doing so well. And Tadashi had always enjoyed this time of year. How could he sulk during it? But what Baymax said helped. Baymax always helped, just as Tadashi had programmed him to.

“You can go back to sleep, baby,” Aunt Cass murmured. “We’re here. We’ll celebrate later."

Hiro nodded against her chest. Not a single inch of him felt like getting up.

"It'll be okay," she murmured, almost sounding like she was talking to herself. "We'll all be okay. Tadashi's not gone, not really; he's in our hearts. He won't mind if all we do is miss him for a little while."

Hiro thought that might be true.

Tadashi had always had a way of understanding. He wouldn't be mad at something like this. Sad, maybe, but not mad or disappointed. He'd get it.

God, it hurt so much without him. Hiro wished he was lying on the other side of him, hugging him with Aunt Cass.

His eyes watered under his lids.

"There, there," Baymax repeated. "You are safe."

Hiro felt the draws of sleep gnaw at him, and gladly slipped back into them.

He was safe. And sad. And missed his brother. And all he was going to do today was sleep.

It was a little easier to fall back asleep, though, he noted as his consciousness slipped away. With the rest of his family here, reassuring, he felt a little lighter than he had in weeks.


End file.
